TAKE A DEEP BREATH
Take a moment to find peace and a comforting rhythm as you read through this blog post. If you are a caregiver to a little, I hope that this may resonate with you. Thank you for being here!
Now… imagine this scenario:
You’re enjoying a peaceful Saturday afternoon, preparing lunch for your little one. Your toddler has just spent 10 minutes insisting they want the red cup. So, naturally, you give them the red cup. They burst into tears because they actually wanted the buluug koob.
So, as any caregiver would, you offer the blue cup.
Now, they are crying, this time even louder, about wanting the red cup. This peaceful Saturday has now turned into a symphony of screams. Maxaa sameysaa?
Understanding the toddler brain
Congratulations! You have entered the realm of the toddler brain!
You may be asking yourself “why don’t they know what they want?” “why are they changing their minds so often?” “why do I need to put my noise cancelling headphones on right now?”.
Let’s take a step back and think about these little brains in a new way.
Think of your toddler’s brain as having a “management team” or maybe even a “quality assurance” team, whichever resonates better. The job description of this team includes:
- Managing impulsive behaviors
- Tolerating big feelings (anger, sadness, fear, excitement, etc.)
- Thinking before doing
- Remembering instructions
Your toddlers management team is still hiring to fill all those roles (and more). The reality is that, from a brain development lens, they don’t yet have consistent access to all the skills needed for flexible thinking, impulse control, or decision making. Many of the systems that support these skills are still in the “new hire training” phase of our metaphor.
This is also why a toddler being awood u of a skill does not always mean they will be able to helitaanka that skill every time. Your toddler might wait patiently for a snack one afternoon and completely fall apart the next. They may typically use gentle hands at home, but struggle when they’re overwhelmed with frustration or excitement at school. They may be aware that hitting hurts and still need help stopping their body when their feelings become bigger than their ability to manage them. Knowing a skill and being able to use that skill in the middle of a big feeling are two very different things.
The power of co-regulation
Enter: Caregiver Support. When a toddler’s own regulatory system isn’t able to handle big feelings independently, we can help by offering some of our own regulation. This is a term called co-regulation. In practice, this may look like helping them name what they’re feeling, offering quiet comfort, or simply remaining calm while they work through the moment.
Co-regulation doesn’t mean trying to get rid of every difficult feeling. The answer can, and likely will, still be no. However, we are trying to get curious around the way we perceive their dysregulation. Instead of “Why are you behaving like this?” we might try to think, “You are having a hard time, and I am here to help you through it.”
Changing the goal
We might wonder, "What skill is still developing right now that I can support with?" halkii "They should know better!" I offer an opportunity for you to get curious around difficult moments. It is not always necessarily something we need to stop, and instead see it as an opening to help their little brain practice and reinforce these skills.
The goal isn’t to never have big feelings, make impulsive choices, or completely lose it over the wrong color cup. The goal can be to give them supported, safe spaces to experience those moments. With the hope that, over time, their management team becomes a little more reliable.
Give yourself some grace, too
Honestly, sometimes the toddler brain is just going to leave the chat. It won’t make sense, it may be frustrating, and you’ll still be reaching for those noise cancelling headphones. Keep in mind, their management team is still in training. We can provide co-regulation, still hold the boundary, ride out the big feels, and remind ourselves that the tiny person in front of us isn’t giving us a hard time, they’re likely having a hard time with skills that are still in development.
Thanks for taking the time to come on this journey with me! I hope that you, as the caregiver, can rest, regulate, and take care of yourself so that you can show up as your “good enough” self for your littles.
Helpful Terms to Know:
Co-regulation: The process of helping another manage big emotions by providing calm, connection, and support. Think of it as “borrowing” some of your calm while they are learning how to create their own.
Habacsanaanta: A state where a person’s emotions, body, or behavior feel difficult to manage. For young children, this might look like crying, yelling, hitting, running away, shutting down, or having difficulty communicating what they need.
Is-xakamaynta: The ability to manage emotions, impulses, and behavior in ways that help us navigate a situation. For young children, these skills are still developing and often require support from caregivers. It is unrealistic to expect a young child to be able to self-regulate independently.
Executive Functioning: A group of skills in our brain that help us plan, remember information, control impulses, and make decisions. These skills develop over time, which is one reason toddlers may have a hard time doing something they’re “supposed to know” how to do when they’re overwhelmed.
Xeerarka shucuurta: The ability to notice, manage, and move through emotional experiences. Regulation doesn’t mean never feeling angry, sad, excited, or frustrated; it means developing the ability to experience those feelings, without becoming completely overwhelmed by them.
About the Author
Renée Pierce, AMFT, IECMH Behavior Consultant
Renée is an Associate Marriage and Family Therapist and experienced mental health professional passionate about supporting young children and their caregivers. Through a relational and developmental lens, she strives to help families navigate big feelings, challenging behaviors, and the many ups and downs of childhood and adolescence while building stronger, more connected relationships. As she continues working toward licensure, Renée’s specialty is working with children ages 0–18 and their caregivers, with a focus on emotional well-being and fostering meaningful relationships.
Ku saabsan Adeegyada Caafimaadka Dhimirka iyo Dhaqanka ee YMCA
Y, waxaan ku faannaa habkayaga dhammaystiran ee caafimaadka maskaxda iyo dhaqanka. Iyadoo aan haysanno in ka badan 50 sano oo waayo-aragnimo ah, waxaan si qoto dheer uga go'an nahay wax ka qabashada baahiyaha caafimaadka maskaxda ee bulshadeenna, gaar ahaan carruurta iyo dhallinyarada. Habkayagu wuxuu ku salaysan yahay dhaqamada ku salaysan caddaynta, iyadoo la hubinayo in faragelinteennu ay waxtar leeyihiin oo khuseeyaan. Waxaan fahamsanahay in caafimaadka maskaxdu uu yahay mid kala duwan oo shakhsi ah, waana sababta aan u bixinno barnaamijyo badan oo gaar ah iyo taageerooyin daaweyn ah oo loogu talagalay inay daboolaan baahiyaha gaarka ah ee qof kasta iyo qoyska.
Adeegyadayada oo dhammaystiran waxaa ka mid ah la-talin, taageerada waalidka iyo daryeelaha, dadaallada fayoobida goobta shaqada, iyo barnaamijyo kor u qaada horumarka dhalinyarada ee wanaagsan. Iyada oo loo marayo adeegyadan, waxaan higsaneynaa inaan dhisno arrimo ilaalin ah, yareyno walbahaarka, iyo inaan kor u qaadno fayoobaanta dhammaan.
Wax badan ka baro www.ymcasd.org/mentalhealth.
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